I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
