This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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