If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
