i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize