this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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