I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
