My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
