I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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