i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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