What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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