you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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