RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
