I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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