Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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