So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
