pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Sober January is a disaster.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
