My friends, they love my intelligence
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
