remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
