I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
