Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
