im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My balls are so social today.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
