the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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