I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
