so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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