Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
