I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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