Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
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You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
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Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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