I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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