this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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