non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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