I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
