he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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