Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She bit a glass in half.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
