I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
