I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
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Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls