So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize