mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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