Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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