I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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