So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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