Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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