It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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