I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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