Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
