I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
