Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
