her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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