Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
