Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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