There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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