I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Vodka?
Forever.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How does one acquire holy water?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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