I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
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I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
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I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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