I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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