I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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