I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
